Hey Reader, it's your old pal, Clay.

Before we dive into this week's dose of raw, unfiltered wisdom, I need to address a little snafu that occurred with last week's anonymous submission form...

Apparently, the techno-wizards responsible for keeping this operation running smoothly dropped the ball. No, balls--plural. Dropped a whole fuckin' bushel of balls.

Long story short, if you poured your heart out to me last week, there's a good chance your message is currently lost in the vast, unforgiving abyss of the interwebs.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Clay, I spilled my guts to you! I bared my soul, confessing my deepest, darkest secrets, begging for your sage advice!"

Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's showbiz.

Here's the deal, though. I'm a firm believer in second chances (unless you're my ex-wife, in which case, you can go pound sand).

So, if you were the poor bastard whose cry for help got swallowed by the digital void, I urge you to muster up the courage to submit your question again.

Or don't. I don't give a shit.

Dear [REDACTED],

Your problem is a classic case of what I like to call "wife-induced gun control," and it's time to take action.

Now, I could tell you to grow a pair and just bring your guns home, but I'm assuming you want to keep your marriage intact (though I can't imagine why).

So, we're going to have to get a little creative here.

Have you ever heard of spy gadgets? I'm talking about guns disguised as everyday objects, like cellphones, pens, and even gardening gloves.

That's right, you can pack heat while pruning the petunias, and your wife will be none the wiser.

Here's what you do...

Head on over to the dark web and search for "stealth gun gadgets."

You'll find all sorts of goodies, like the "iGun" (it's like an iPhone, but with a built-in .22 caliber pistol), the "Pen-etrator" (a tactical pen that doubles as a single-shot firearm), and my personal favorite, the "Glock Gardener" (a pair of gloves with a hidden trigger mechanism).

​

Stock up on these bad boys and strategically place them around the house.

Keep the iGun on the coffee table, the Pen-etrator in your shirt pocket, and the Glock Gardener in the tool shed.

That way, you'll always be ready to defend your castle, even if your wife thinks you're just checking emails or tending to the tomatoes.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Clay, isn't this a bit deceptive?"

To that, I say: Is it deceptive to protect your family by any means necessary? Is it deceptive to exercise your God-given right to bear arms, even if it means hiding them in plain sight?

I think not.

So, go forth, my stealthy patriot, and arm yourself with the power of ingenuity.

And remember, a man's home is his castle, and every castle needs a well-disguised armory.

In the name of God, guns, and glory,

Your friend,

Clay

​